Pleasure is Not a Dirty Word
Reclaiming Your Birthright as a Single Mum
Let’s get real about something that makes most people squirm in their seats: pleasure. The word alone probably made you blush. It’s a term so often linked to sexual experiences that even thinking about it can bring a wave of embarrassment. But here’s a truth bomb—pleasure is so much more than just the bedroom. It’s not only about that kind of satisfaction; it’s about feeling good, period. In this crazy-busy world where you’re juggling kids, work, and trying to remember to eat a vegetable now and then, pleasure has become an afterthought. For many single mums, it’s nonexistent.
But here’s the thing: pleasure is your birthright. Yes, you—strong, capable, beautiful you—deserve to feel pleasure in all areas of life. And if that made you roll your eyes, stay with me. There’s more to this story.
The Cringe-Worthy Relationship with Pleasure
Why is it so hard for us to embrace pleasure? Why do we cringe, blush, or feel ashamed to speak about it? Because, as women, we’ve been conditioned to. Think back to when you were a teenager, flipping through magazines. You probably read countless articles on “how to please a man”—as though our value, our joy, our pleasure were all tied up in someone else’s satisfaction. Let’s not forget the messaging in movies: we’ve been shown over and over that our role is to be the nurturer, the provider of love, safety, and comfort, but never the receiver.
It’s no wonder so many women today wear sacrifice as a badge of honor, proud to work themselves to the bone for everyone else while they remain depleted and running on empty. We’ve been taught that pleasure is indulgent, even selfish, and definitely not something to prioritize. So, what happens? We become disconnected from it. We become disconnected from ourselves.
The Ripple Effect of Neglecting Pleasure
When you’re constantly giving and never receiving, it has a ripple effect on your mental, emotional, and even physical well-being. Many of the single mothers I coach describe feeling depressed, sad, and angry—trapped in a cycle of overwork and exhaustion, with their light dimmed to a flicker. That’s not just an emotional struggle; it’s a physiological one, too. As author and renowned speaker Brené Brown says, “We cannot selectively numb emotions; when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions” .
When was the last time you stopped and asked yourself: What do I need? Maybe even the thought of that feels too indulgent because you’ve been playing mum and dad, holding everything together, and being the emotional support system for your children. There’s no time to slow down and notice your desires—let alone indulge in them. And that, my friend, is exactly why it’s so important to reclaim your pleasure.
The Power of Sensual Pleasure (and No, It’s Not Just Sexual)
Here’s a critical distinction: pleasure isn’t just sexual. In fact, it’s mostly not about sex at all. Pleasure is about reconnecting with the things that feel good. It could be something as simple as savoring your morning coffee, the feel of a soft blanket, the way the sun warms your skin on a cool day. It’s about noticing and allowing yourself to experience sensory joy, even in the smallest ways.
As researcher and speaker Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are, points out, “Pleasure is the measure of your brain’s perception of safety and satisfaction in any given moment. If your brain feels safe and satisfied, you experience pleasure.” This means that pleasure—whether through a warm bath or listening to your favorite song—is directly linked to your overall well-being .
Unfortunately, single mums rarely have the time or headspace to think about their own needs. Society isolates them, leaving them feeling lonely, burdened, and always “on.” And guess what? That isolation makes it even harder to experience pleasure.
Pleasure Is Not a Luxury, It’s a Necessity
Let me put it this way: pleasure isn’t just a nice-to-have; it’s a non-negotiable. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and as much as you want to be there for your kids, your friends, your job—if you don’t fill yourself up first, you’ll burn out. That’s not a maybe; it’s a certainty.
Prioritizing pleasure doesn’t make you a bad mum, partner, or friend—it makes you a better one. When you allow yourself time to recharge and experience joy, you show up more fully in all areas of your life. And there’s science to back this up. According to Dr. Laurie Mintz, author of Becoming Cliterate, pleasure activates the brain’s reward system, releasing dopamine and other feel-good chemicals that reduce stress and anxiety . Essentially, pleasure is a built-in resilience booster.
How to Reclaim Your Pleasure as a Single Mum
Now that we know how important pleasure is, let’s talk about how to get it back. It’s not about grand gestures or elaborate self-care routines (although those are fabulous if you have the time). Reclaiming your pleasure can start with small, mindful moments of joy:
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Create a Pleasure List: Jot down simple activities that make you feel good—dancing in your kitchen, wearing your favorite perfume, or taking a five-minute breather in a cozy corner.
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Set Boundaries: Learn to say no to things that drain you, and yes to the things that fill you up. It’s okay to carve out time for you.
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Get Back into Your Body: As a coach who integrates embodiment practices, I can’t stress this enough. When you reconnect with your body—whether through movement, breathing exercises, or just paying attention to your senses—you awaken your ability to experience pleasure in the present moment.
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Seek Community: You don’t have to do this alone. Reach out to other single mums, join a group, or seek support where you can. A strong community is essential to feeling seen, heard, and understood.
Step into Your Birthright of Pleasure
Pleasure is not something to feel guilty about. It’s your birthright, and it belongs in every facet of your life—not just in your relationships, but in your daily routine, your self-care, and your connection to yourself. You deserve a life filled with joy, satisfaction, and yes, pleasure.
So, take a deep breath and ask yourself: What would my life look like if I allowed myself more pleasure? You might be surprised by the answer.
References:
- Brown, Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing, 2010.
- Nagoski, Emily. Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life. Simon & Schuster, 2015.
- Mintz, Laurie. Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—And How to Get It. HarperOne, 2017.